Married to a Drunken Fool
by Support Checkered
Summary: A sequel to Twelfth Night. Maria and Sir Toby got hitched, but not even Shakespeare could imagine what might happen after that!


**A/N:** I originally wrote this as an english assignment. I kept it in the original format, that's why the sections are numbered, and because they arn't technically "chapters" I didn't put them that way. So, enjoy!**  
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**Married to a Drunken Fool**

-I-

All alone, Maria sat on her stool watching as the water on the stove slowly began to bubble. The steam rose and began an exotic dance while her fingers fiddled with the pewter spoon she laid out on the table just moments ago. Slowly her eyes drifted from the steam, to the spoon, and at last rested upon the empty bowl residing in front of the only chair presently keeping the rickety table company.

Heavy footsteps interrupted the unnatural silence that filled Maria's ears. Her eyes traced where the owner of those feet would be on the other side of the front wall, imagining the man to be swaying left, then right, swooping forward then staggering backward. Suddenly, the footsteps stopped, and the front door thrust open, revealing a large figure slumping against the fragile frame, which creaked in stress under the figure's weight.

"And to what do I owe this visit from the great Sir Toby?" Maria noted sarcastically.

"Hmm, I need more money."

"More? Whatever for?"

"A drink! Whatever else would be worthy of having money spent on it?" Toby then glared at Maria, his eyebrows were pulled together as his eyes lazily traced her stout figure. "What be you doing in my home?"

Maria's eyes twitched and her forehead wrinkled. "You stupid fat pig," she burst. "Your home, are you joking? I live here you twit! I am your wife!"

Sir Toby Belch stood as still as his condition could allow. It was evident by his twisted expression that a wheel was being forced to turn in his jumbled chest of tinker toys for a brain. The wrinkly bag under his left eye began to twitch as he ran his soiled hand through his greasy hair.

"Do we have any children?" his throat finally permitted him to inquire.

Maria's eye shot a death stare at Toby's pudgy face. Her lips quivered as rude remarks exploded in her mind. All she managed to say was, "no."

"Well, my _wife,_ I'm off to get a drink." Toby didn't even cross the threshold before he turned about and staggered out of Maria's sight.

-II-

"You mean he doesn't know?" Feste laughed.

"Fool, don't make me repeat myself. Every day he comes home around noon, I tell him we're married, he asks if we have kids, then leaves to drown his miserable married butt in more alcohol to the point of forgetting again!" Maria clenched her fists, manipulating her fingers into painful positions. Her eyes flickered to the clown practically dancing out of his chair. Her muscles tensed and eyes narrowed at the site of his legs kicking, his arms flailing, and his teeth having no lips to censor their rotting brown spots. "Fool, how can this possibly make you smile!"

"Ha! I thought marrying Toby was the worst thing that could ever happen to you, but now it's not that bad, if he doesn't even know you're married." The clown sprung up on his feet and dug his bony elbow into Maria's side while giving her a big wink. "If you know what I mean."

She wrinkled her brow in thought when suddenly her eyes widened and she gasped , her arms crossed roughly in a desperate attempt to cover herself and express her anger and understanding about his comment. "Fool! Get away from me fool! I must go speak with Olivia!"

"What? You don't think I'm interested in you," defended the clown. "All I'm saying is that if you wanted a good time you could pick any man you wanted and your husband would never know. Well, _almost_ any man."

"What do you mean by that?"

"What do you think I mean?"

Maria continued to glare at the clown's insensitive gestures of his grinning face. An idea burst into her head, making her eyes pop out of her skull. "Wait."

"For what?"

"You-"

"Me!"

"You could help me!"

"Help you how?" The clown giggled even harder, he practically somersaulted across the floor.

"We can trick him!"

"Hasn't he already tricked himself?"

"No, no, no, no. We can trick him, you know, to stop drinking."

"Why would you want him to stop, that's the only tolerable part."

"Just shut up for one minute, you're almost as bad as Toby!"

"Now that hurts!" Feste tried his best to look sincere, but failed by the never ending appearance of his toothy smile.

"I've got it! Let's see, you can dress up as an angel, no, demon, demons are scarier," ranted Maria. "Yes, and tell him to stop drinking, or something to that effect..."

"Demon, one day priest, one day demon, a clown's work involves a variety of things."

"You in?"

"In what?"

Maria's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"I'm in," corrected the clown.

"Good!" For the first time since her marriage, she gave a full hearted smile. Her eyes sparkled kindly upon the clown, when suddenly it vanished. "Wait, what's the catch?"

"What? No catch, there was no catch last time."

"Last time you had a go at Marvolio."

"Ah, well, that was fun."

"No catch?"

"No catch."

Maria's smile returned and she threw herself around the clown, choking him with her gratitude. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! Lets start planning, how about tonight! It's not like Toby will be home-"

"Well actually," the clown interrupted, "there is a catch." Maria's evil eye shot out at him once again, chasing his smile away like a German Shepard a rabbit. "Heh, I mean, well, you see, I was simply joking!"

-III-

"And to what do I owe this visit from the infamous Sir Toby," inquired Maria as her husband completed his daily ritual by stumbling home, forgetful of everything as he was so many days before.

"Hmm, let's see," Toby began to sway. "Sir Andrew sent me word."

"How nice. Anything else?"

Toby sloppily started to count his fingers. "Humph, well, a very ugly demonic creature came to see me today, at least I believe so."

Maria straightened up in her chair, her gaze fixed upon Toby's greasy face. "Oh dear, a demon you say?" she continued with ease.

"Hmm, what was I saying, oh yes! The demon proceeded, unannounced and everything, to talk to me about my doom. He threatened me, ha, me, a knight! Well, that I guess just makes it funnier, ha!"

"Aren't you clever."

"What's that you say?"

"Go on, dear, what did he say?"

"Hmm, what did he say, oh, something about me and my drinking."

"Oh, really?" Maria said, stifling a laugh.

"Hmm, yes, said if I drank one more beer I was doomed to flames of hell, or something of the sort."

"And what did you do?"

"The only reasonable thing to do," Toby gave a hearty laugh. "I went off to get a drink!"

"Toby!"

"What? The demon himself said ifI drank _one_ more time I'd be doomed to hell, and all that stuff, but he never mentioned anything about two. I believe even the Devil could not argue with that logic!"

Maria's jaw clenched and her eyes became sharper than her wit. Her arms were tossed about her head like juggling balls as she bellowed, "Sir Toby Belch! How dare you! I go through all the trouble to get that stupid fool to comply with my plans, and what do you do? 'Never mentioned anything about two,' you and your stupid logic, you never had much wit, I can't believe this! The clown was right, I liked it much better when you forgot!"

Toby stopped swaying enough to allow his brain to start to turn again. His face began to twist, then he lurched forward, catching himself with the wall. "Why are you in my home?"

Maria shot up, knocking over her glass. "Ugh, I am sick and tired of you! I thought once your stupid friend left your money for drinking would come to a sudden halt. How in all the world do you afford it all? It must cost loads of money to buy enough drinks to forget your _wife_ every day since your marriage. Oh, by the way, you big lug, yes, you are married, to me! And no, we don't have any children! O.K.?"

Toby scrunched his eyes slightly. "Does that mean we have no money?"

"No! For the last time, no! Now, get your butt outta my sight!"

"No children?"

"Out!"

"I'm getting, I'm getting!"

-IV-

"What do you mean it didn't work," exclaimed the clown.

"I mean he went out and drank anyway," Maria clarified. "Said something about drinking twice."

"Twice? What?"

"Oh, how am I supposed to know? I never understood his weird sense of logic."

"So he left, have you seen him since?"

"No, and I'm very content about it. I wish never to see his slimy self again!"

"Well, that's all fine and dandy, but have ever considered what has become of him?"

"Become of him, what do you mean?"

"Well," he started. "A man with no money, no home, no beer, could get in a load of trouble. I'm simply saying you should be worried, what if he resorted to burglary, or worse, _begging_."

"I never thought of that." Maria's eyes were staring into nothing. "But, why should I worry, what has he every done to be deserving of my concern?"

"You're his wife, and like it or not your nature will make you feel for him. We are all prisoners to our emotions." Feste bounded upward suddenly, pressing his nose rather closely to the glass of protection that surrounded Maria. "What if, let's say, he died, murder, or lack of beer, which ever gets him first, I cannot say. Can't you picture his scantly clothed corpse lying in a twisted position off in some ditch with his rotting flesh starting to droop, already drained of it's former color and now hosting millions of tiny insects. A worm made it's home in his eyeball, a spider living quite comfortably in his cold mouth. The mere stench of his remains can drive even the most bluntest of noses away. Soon, all will know the disgrace Toby's manipulated limbs have casted upon his wife."

"Stop that this instant, you sick, sick fool! This is just some prank, something I bet you plan to get a long laugh afterward."

"Prank, sure, think what you must. You will see soon enough."

"_You _will see, you mean," snapped Maria. "Go away, fool, I don't want to deal with your nonsense anymore."

"No nonsense, nonsense is what you need to keep you from any sense."

"Don't push it."

-V-

"Toby, Toby, oh please, has anyone seen Toby," Maria cried. Tears soaked her cheeks and her hair stuck to her clammy skin. Her right hand seemed glued to her hair, pulling out more clumps and she hollered through the streets.

Few people were out at this time of night, and the usual hustle and bustle from the market left no trance in the twilight. The last remaining street goers avoided coming within a five mile radius of the raving Maria. Her shouts were largely ignored, and left to echo through the streets.

"Maria," the voice of Olivia surprised her. A gentle hand squeezed her shoulder. "Maria, are you mad? What in the world is the matter?"

"Toby! Toby, I fear for the worst, whatever has happened to my husband!"

"You speak like Malvolio. Now sit down, and tell me everything."

"Toby has run off, God knows where!" Maria ranted. "He has no money, no place to stay, I haven't seen him for days, and your fool for a clown has planted the worst of the worst into my head, and it has been growing ever since. Fool, I should have never listened to him."

"If it makes you feel better, he is to be fired by morning."

"No, it doesn't make me feel better. How am I supposed to feel better knowing Toby is out there, alone!" Maria started to pace, waving her hands pathetically in the air.

"He's done it some many nights before, what makes now any different."

"Now he's _my_ Toby, which makes it completely different!"

"_Your_ Toby? I dare say, we must find him." Olivia put her arm around the hysterical women's shoulders. "Come on now, sit, panicking will do you no good."

"This will not do, I must find him!"

"Oh, wait, Maria, I think I see Sebastian, maybe he has news of your husband."

Maria's teary eyes could barely make out the long, handsome figure of the one for so long she thought of as Cesario. She barged toward him, Olivia at her heals.

"Toby, Toby, have you of Toby?" screamed Maria.

"Good God, what are you talking about," Sebatian exclaimed. "Olivia?"

"She means, my love, have you heard news of Toby?"

"Sir Toby? Why yes, I believe I have. He was down next to the Butcher's, I'd say, no more than a half hour ago."

"He is fine then, thank God!" sighed Maria.

"Well, I wouldn't say he's exactly 'fine,' per se-"

Maria's face drained of all color. The sensation of an icy chill like an arctic wind ran shivers down her spin and filtered into her blood, banishing all feeling of warmth from her weak body. Some unknown force compelled her to move forward, controlling her like a master over a puppet. Her shaky legs carried her tirelessly through the thinning street crowd. Though she bolted faster than the bold winds in May, her mind stood still with the man she once abhorred; Toby. The thoughts Feste brought to her vivid imagination fueled her fire, urging her to never slow till she finally saw the distant outline of the Butcher's. Her heart stopped. She did not see Toby. Her knees buckled. A slouched figure leaning against the wall of a pub caught her eye, instantly a river of tears drowned her face. Panting, she slowly approached her drunk husband.

"Toby," gasped Maria.

"Hmm, customer?"

Maria's hanging jaw snapped shut. A sharp snap of her hand wiped her tears away. She inwardly kicked herself for even giving a whimsical thought of fretting about such an insolent pig as her husband. "What? Can't you recognize your own wife, especially at a time like this! You worried me sick!"

"How could I," asked Toby. "Who am I to you?"

"Maria!" panted Olivia as she caught up to her. "Maria, good thing I found you. My darling Sebastian has something to tell you."

"Yes, do tell, you said he wasn't exactly fine," stated Maria. "And look at him, he seems fine to me!"

"Well, yes," Sebastian started. "I only meant he's better than fine, really, he's become very successful."

"Successful! What is going on here!" Maria shouted.

"He has a pub," said Sebastian.

"And very successful, too!" added Olivia.

"You have a what?" Maria turned to her husband, who still had not understood a word spoken.

"He made his own brew," Sebastian continued.

"It's superb! You should try it!" commented Olivia.

"I am sick of beer!" Maria wiped away the beads of sweat that formed on her wrinkled forehead. Out of distress, she began to massage the knot that had formed between her brows.

"Hmm, I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm not sick of beer. I'm off to get a drink," stated Toby as he started to walk away. "Oh, Sebastian, can you watch the shop for me?"

"Can do!"

"Wait," Toby called back to Maria. "Didn't you say you're my wife?"

"Yes," sighed Maria. Toby's mouth moved, trying drunkenly to form words of a sort."Sorry, no children."

"Toodles!" Toby spun a full circle to his right, then managed to turn a left corner around the Butcher's, and out of Maria's sight.

"Oh, never mind the bar," Olivia cuddled with her husband. "Dear, let's go home. I do say I am very tired."

"Just five minutes ago you told me you weren't tired, not even a wink!"

"Well, I dare say you're right!" She playfully tugged her husband's arm. "Come dear, come."

"Maria, can you-"

"Sure, go ahead, have fun," Maria smiled a little as she entered her husband's bar. The mass of grease covered men normally occupying a bar during this time of night did not cause her to wrinkle her nose tonight. Slightly skipping, she went behind the counter, picking up the newly blackened rag and thoughtlessly ran it over the fresh grim covering the wooden counter. Her lips curved upward even more when her gaze rested upon a dented, pewter box that beheld many a treasure. She cradled it gently, and pried it open to reveal the marvelous glitter inside. Running her hands through the plethora of golden coins, she started to laugh to herself. "I guess I could get used to this. It's not that bad to be married to a drunken fool."


End file.
